Recently my life has changed. Dylan, who was clinically diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD "and more" has been having more challenges recently. I have been able to remain more and more calm with him and now I will walk away when we are at home if things get too heated with him. If I leave him alone he will calm down and seek me out to say he is sorry. He doesn't want to lash out and is truly sorry when he says he hates me. Unfortunately he has also become violent with me and this father.
Friday was a bad day for him and I both. After school he had a meltdown on school property. We all did the best we could but were unable to calm him before a DARE cop had to be called. Eventually we got him home and after a while things were back to "normal". I may not be speaking for all parents of children on the Autism spectrum but I can say this for myself...please no unsolicited advice. I know it is well meaning, but it does more harm than good, especially since most of us have spent countless hours researching various literature, listening to other moms, Dr.s and living 24/7 with our children and we know what triggers and what doesn't what works most of the time and what doesn't. Dylan takes things very literally and he has had great fears...he cannot be told scarey things or worse case scenarios because scenarios will play out in his active mind and could possibly cause him to overreact to a situation he otherwise would have handled well.
Saturday a friend and I had a play date for the babies at a local park. She and I were watching the babies and Dylan. Dylan was playing well with the other children. To me it was no surprise since he had been around children more at Sunday school and public school. At one point the children seemed to be playing a fighting game, Dylan really enjoys these games at home and has to be reminded he could get hurt or hurt someone else. I yelled out for the fighting game to stop and it did. Dylan and the boys he was playing with went back to swinging swings back and forth and dancing about. I can't recall the details but I am assuming the babies began to wander to far away and I took my eyes off Dylan so I could redirect the little ones...Next thing I hear is Dylan screaming " MOM, MOMMY! MOM!!!" So I stood up and jogged toward him. I try not to overreact myself, since Dylan often seems like he is dying when in reality he wants to tell me about a grasshopper. Then he catches his breath and I hear a boy yell out "BABY!" as he flies off toward a hill. Dylan tells me FOUR boys were all picking on him at the same time and they punched him in the stomach. My heart sank...where was I? I had missed this. I could have squashed this and maybe educated some ignorant children...possibly even some parents. Now they were gone. Dylan's only wish??? To never go back to that park again. :( I know children can be cruel...I am 33 years old I was one once and I got picked on too. But too many of us parents have stepped out of our roles as parents and let others included the television, raise our children. I may have picked on kids some myself but if my mom or my grandparents found out I was taught a lesson and that is what we need to get back to.
Soap Box Time:
Name calling and bullying have got to stop and it starts at home. BIG CHILDREN...that is what a lot of the parents are today. Nothing wrong with playing games with our children but when it comes to teaching we need to put on the grown up hat. The way we live our lives is what our children will copy. If we make fun of people on tv, in the stores on the road etc., that is what our children will do. It is monkey see monkey do not monkey hear monkey do.
We in America have become to focused on ourselves. We have got to realize the children we raise will be the ones in power when we are our grandparents age...that is SERIOUS. Right now we have uncaring disrespectful self centered uhhh....meany heads, who will be running our government...See you all in the nursing home...or worse...homeless. Turn off the tv, give the children some rules, get involved and be a GOOD role model.
That is all :D
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Who's your boss little man???
I call myself " 5'7" and devil proof", I explain that doesn't mean that attacks won't come, but that I will stand my ground....I will gain ground and not lose ground. I am participating in two Bible studies, Beth Moore's The book of James and Andy Stanley's Your Move. I must say...I greatly enjoy both of them.
I have learned so much in this past month and I feel so much stronger in faith...it was almost like I was hanging on to a part of my life by just a thread and then all at once that thread became a strong bungee cord and it was at its tightest so it shot be back up...but once I was up I landed on a mountain and began to climb again. Something I surely never want to go through again...but at the same time I am most thankful for the battle which waged because victory is sweet, and the lessons learned and the changes happening are well worth the fight that took place.
Praise be to God, His mercy endures forever... His grace IS sufficient for me!
I have learned so much in this past month and I feel so much stronger in faith...it was almost like I was hanging on to a part of my life by just a thread and then all at once that thread became a strong bungee cord and it was at its tightest so it shot be back up...but once I was up I landed on a mountain and began to climb again. Something I surely never want to go through again...but at the same time I am most thankful for the battle which waged because victory is sweet, and the lessons learned and the changes happening are well worth the fight that took place.
Praise be to God, His mercy endures forever... His grace IS sufficient for me!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Up and running
Okay so it took me about a month to write again...but I have been over whelmed and today I finally got a little bit ahead of the tasks around here. From peeling all the sweet potatoes and getting them ready for the next day, cleaning and freezing fruit down to cleaning the last of the floors in the house...oh and I reclaimed the counters in the kitchen from the clutter, the one thing this place has less of is storage...but I am a great organizer :D
Progress with Dylan seemed to spike today as well...just a great day! He was in the best mood he has been in, in a long time. A few issues but wow...what a relief.
I am still battling the urge to pull my hair out, and part of that comes from the work over load that it seems no one else realizes exists except a few other SAHMs who home school their child(ren) with Aspergers.
I heard a song which was written by a man at church with the inspiration of his daughter and it just fit me perfect, I am excited because he is allowing me to have a copy...this song talks about how no one knows but God...He knows what I face everyday, He knows my heart, He knows when it breaks and all the things I allow Him to have control over. I am so happy for the work He has done and is still doing in me. I have bit my tongue more times than I can count and each time He is right there fighting for me. Life has definitely gotten more peaceful since I let other people run their mouths while mine stays shut ;D I am far for a master of this as of yet....but practice makes perfect and I sure am getting a lot of practice.
I have been deceived and lied to by someone I love, who does this quite often and I am praising God because this time I finally stopped fighting. I finally stopped trying to make them change. I simply stated that their lies and deceit hurt and I didn't feel I deserved that, they expressed their sorrow, of course I forgive them, the point I made was if you were truly sorry you'd stop and given the history and how each time they are "sorry" I do not feel they truly are sorry in the sense that they will not do it again. This lie actually hurt them more than me...but it hurts me that they are hurting themselves and are oblivious to it...if that makes sense...
I have been able to spend a little more time in the Word recently and have started to write again. I have a rough draft below. This post is pretty here and there...but as it has been in the past...as soon as I confess the great things the pooh begins to explode around me... my phone rang twice, Dylan is bouncing off the walls now and Madalyn is crying....well enjoy...
It was a Wednesday night a few weeks back, I was taking care of Madalyn in the church nursery and I left part of the lights off in the room. I looked out the window and saw the pole which holds the power lines and I was reminded of all the times I have been in a room and left the light off, usually someone will enter and say, " I paid the light bill...." then they usually turn on the light and ask me if I can see better.
Well God is our power, He is where we get our strength.
Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”
Deuteronomy 8:18
Remember the Lord your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful, in order to fulfill the covenant he confirmed to your ancestors with an oath.
2 Samuel 22:3
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.
Psalm 62:11
God has spoken plainly, and I have heard it many times: Power, O God, belongs to you;
and more and more...God gave us Jesus, Jesus paid our power bill for all eternity...are we going to sit in the dark...or are we going to turn on the light?
Philippians 4:13
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
We want to live in power, in health, in wealth...why aren't we? There are many reasons why we miss the "boat of have and land on the boat of have not"...I cannot tell anyone else the reason why they are living without, but I can tell everyone this... When I have not it is because I have allowed myself to get beat down, never as much as I used to allow it, but none the less I still have been smacked down by circumstances at times.
Imagine hanging from a rope over a treacherous waters, while hanging on for your life you see your family falling past you toward the waters, most of us will try to hold on with one hand and reach out with the other. We grab our loved ones and suddenly we begin to slip down the rope tearing our hands and lowering our family closer and closer to the waters below.
Now let's rewind...we are hanging on a rope with two hands over treacherous waters...one inch away from where our feet are gripping the rope is a HUGE ledge with a stairway leading back to high ground, our family is waiting for us at the top, if we can take the stairs like a champ, they may never even know we were gone, if we cling to the rope they may just walk of the edge looking for us...I am not willing to let my family fall...is anyone else?
We all have circumstances, not all of us share our circumstances. The problem is man made the solution is God given.
Philippians 4:8 New Living Translation
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Our circumstances are not honorable, lovely and admirable...cast thoughts about circumstances to the ground and walk on them. We were given the power to tread on the serpent(devil) and we should be doing just that.
Psalm 91:13 New Living Translation
You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
I am sorry...is God taking up too much of OUR time??? Is learning HIS Word and HIS promises to us taking too long??? Maybe we should just keep on barely making in, sad and depressed having pity parties because we just keep stubbing our toes and nothing is going our way...booo whoooo..... We made this mess... stop placing the blame on everyone else...WE MADE THE MESS!!! It was not the wife, the husband the kids, the parents the neighbors etc...It was US! We either did it ourselves, we allowed it to happen or we just sit in it and cry about who did us wrong. If it is Our mess then clean it up! Suck it up and fix it. HE is standing right next to us with all the tools we need, so happy to help...He has been waiting for us. All we have to do is turn and face Him jump for joy or fall to our knees, either way He is ready to give us the strength we need...we just gotta seek.
Progress with Dylan seemed to spike today as well...just a great day! He was in the best mood he has been in, in a long time. A few issues but wow...what a relief.
I am still battling the urge to pull my hair out, and part of that comes from the work over load that it seems no one else realizes exists except a few other SAHMs who home school their child(ren) with Aspergers.
I heard a song which was written by a man at church with the inspiration of his daughter and it just fit me perfect, I am excited because he is allowing me to have a copy...this song talks about how no one knows but God...He knows what I face everyday, He knows my heart, He knows when it breaks and all the things I allow Him to have control over. I am so happy for the work He has done and is still doing in me. I have bit my tongue more times than I can count and each time He is right there fighting for me. Life has definitely gotten more peaceful since I let other people run their mouths while mine stays shut ;D I am far for a master of this as of yet....but practice makes perfect and I sure am getting a lot of practice.
I have been deceived and lied to by someone I love, who does this quite often and I am praising God because this time I finally stopped fighting. I finally stopped trying to make them change. I simply stated that their lies and deceit hurt and I didn't feel I deserved that, they expressed their sorrow, of course I forgive them, the point I made was if you were truly sorry you'd stop and given the history and how each time they are "sorry" I do not feel they truly are sorry in the sense that they will not do it again. This lie actually hurt them more than me...but it hurts me that they are hurting themselves and are oblivious to it...if that makes sense...
I have been able to spend a little more time in the Word recently and have started to write again. I have a rough draft below. This post is pretty here and there...but as it has been in the past...as soon as I confess the great things the pooh begins to explode around me... my phone rang twice, Dylan is bouncing off the walls now and Madalyn is crying....well enjoy...
It was a Wednesday night a few weeks back, I was taking care of Madalyn in the church nursery and I left part of the lights off in the room. I looked out the window and saw the pole which holds the power lines and I was reminded of all the times I have been in a room and left the light off, usually someone will enter and say, " I paid the light bill...." then they usually turn on the light and ask me if I can see better.
Well God is our power, He is where we get our strength.
Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”
Deuteronomy 8:18
Remember the Lord your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful, in order to fulfill the covenant he confirmed to your ancestors with an oath.
2 Samuel 22:3
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.
Psalm 62:11
God has spoken plainly, and I have heard it many times: Power, O God, belongs to you;
and more and more...God gave us Jesus, Jesus paid our power bill for all eternity...are we going to sit in the dark...or are we going to turn on the light?
Philippians 4:13
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
We want to live in power, in health, in wealth...why aren't we? There are many reasons why we miss the "boat of have and land on the boat of have not"...I cannot tell anyone else the reason why they are living without, but I can tell everyone this... When I have not it is because I have allowed myself to get beat down, never as much as I used to allow it, but none the less I still have been smacked down by circumstances at times.
Imagine hanging from a rope over a treacherous waters, while hanging on for your life you see your family falling past you toward the waters, most of us will try to hold on with one hand and reach out with the other. We grab our loved ones and suddenly we begin to slip down the rope tearing our hands and lowering our family closer and closer to the waters below.
Now let's rewind...we are hanging on a rope with two hands over treacherous waters...one inch away from where our feet are gripping the rope is a HUGE ledge with a stairway leading back to high ground, our family is waiting for us at the top, if we can take the stairs like a champ, they may never even know we were gone, if we cling to the rope they may just walk of the edge looking for us...I am not willing to let my family fall...is anyone else?
We all have circumstances, not all of us share our circumstances. The problem is man made the solution is God given.
Philippians 4:8 New Living Translation
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Our circumstances are not honorable, lovely and admirable...cast thoughts about circumstances to the ground and walk on them. We were given the power to tread on the serpent(devil) and we should be doing just that.
Psalm 91:13 New Living Translation
You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
I am sorry...is God taking up too much of OUR time??? Is learning HIS Word and HIS promises to us taking too long??? Maybe we should just keep on barely making in, sad and depressed having pity parties because we just keep stubbing our toes and nothing is going our way...booo whoooo..... We made this mess... stop placing the blame on everyone else...WE MADE THE MESS!!! It was not the wife, the husband the kids, the parents the neighbors etc...It was US! We either did it ourselves, we allowed it to happen or we just sit in it and cry about who did us wrong. If it is Our mess then clean it up! Suck it up and fix it. HE is standing right next to us with all the tools we need, so happy to help...He has been waiting for us. All we have to do is turn and face Him jump for joy or fall to our knees, either way He is ready to give us the strength we need...we just gotta seek.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Are we there yet? 8/30
Today we are just a couple days away from moving day(s). Of course I am excited! I have my optimistic eyes on and I have already said we can be moved out of this place and in to our new place in a day! We have done it before...and may have been able to do it last move...but Dylan was playing in the yard and fell into/onto a adult sized walking stick. I, 8 months pregnant, fell running to tend to him. We ended up in the ER, BUT...we both were just banged up, Praise God!....
This time it will all go smoothly!
So on a learning note...This past weekend I went to yard sales with my mom and sister. I decided not to purchase a bath seat for Maddie because it was 10.00, then I spent over 10.00 on books and clothes...still a good buy and still of great use, BUT the bath seat is more important. So the lesson I learned is this...although some things may be only 25 cents here and there that adds up, and if I had just bought what was more needed chances are I would have been happier about my purchases at the end of the day. The old proverb " A penny saved is a penny earned." I get it now.
I have cut out almost all "extras" we are down to the internet and a prepaid cell phone. Which is an UP to me. I cannot stand the cell phone but I keep it for the times when I should call and say I will be late, or see if someone is home before a trip out, roadside emergencies etc. The internet, to me is too valuable, on line bill pay, on line banking, searches for recipes, Doug and my Bible study and most recently a women's Bible Study coming up, etc. But even with all of this , I still make wrong choices, or become forgetful and miss cooking a meal ahead of time and there is nothing prepared for Doug to take to work and he eats out. He makes wise choices about his meals using coupons or ordering a "deal"....but that is still 5-7 dollars we could have saved or used on a bill. It is hard not to get bummed out over these things, I try to keep my head up and not beat myself up. I am learning so it is not a total loss, and I rather learn now then pay dearly later.
I am still working on making a meal planner so I can shop for groceries more wisely. Not cool when you get home from shopping and realize you have lots of "half meals".
I am still facing some trials in the "woe is me" category. I clean the house and turn around to see lots of mini "Dylan disasters" Then I clean the house and have to cook and then leave the stinky apartment to breathe fresh air and the kitchen backs up the laundry falls behind etc. I love being a house wife/mother and I enjoy all the housework...when it is appreciated. I often wonder what the others would think if I went behind them and undid what they had done or moved their tools/toys for their jobs/playing. Then I get out of that stinkin thinkin and back to pressing onward. All my silence and all my prayers will not be in vain. I know that even if it is not shown outwardly, I am appreciated and God sees my efforts and He knows my heart..."He knows my heart", I keep saying this when I fall short...short of my goals toward being more Christ like and achieving what I believe He wants me to achieve. We all fall short of Glory of God, I know this and I am not on a mission to become divine, I only want to do what is His will for me, and I know being a Proverbs 31 wife and mother is His will. So to end today's blog I will paste below Proverbs 31 and I will probably hit on all the lines in future blogs.
Proverbs 31(NLT)(copied from biblegateway.com)The Sayings of King Lemuel
1 The sayings of King Lemuel contain this message, which his mother taught him.A Wife of Noble Character
10 [b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life. 13 She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.
16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.
19 Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
21 She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm[c] clothes.
22 She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Structure...I need structure!"
I am sure this is what Dylan is screaming when he yells at me " You are the worst mom ever" and "I wish you and daddy weren't here!" He wants "Gentle guidance with a firm rule!" He has been getting hardly any of this lately and boy has it been showing. Some sad parts are that I know he needs structure and I know I need order, my heart fills with joy and I get so excited to know what needs to be done, I make a plan and I begin to implement it, then "life" happens. The problem is not that "life" happens the problem is how I deal with "life" happening!
Before I was saved I battled depression. I believe many people have the wrong idea about depression. Not all depression is manic, not all of it is completely debilitating. For me there were days where I was completely sunk and days when I was on "cloud nine". Then there were moments when I was sunk and moments when I was on "cloud nine" while all the other moments were just normal I guess. I never have days of depression nor long moments of depression any longer, but there are times when everything going on ways heavy on me and I turn inward when I need to be on my knees and seeking Him. When I get this, when I understand He is my answer to any problem I have, it's then that I smile and it is then that I get up and pick up the pieces and put them back together and get going again. He fills me with joy, not things, He fills me with peace....not my circumstances. I only need Him. He is my everything. The only one who will ever truly "get" me and the only one Who I can let my mind empty into. I can tell Him everything going on in me...He already knows and loves me anyway. He knows what I go through and does not judge my thoughts....He gives me gentle guidance with a firm rule!
I so enjoy the end result...I start feeling down and sunk, I think upon my needs and my wants, my don't haves and should haves, the somebody done me wrongs....and there He is lifting me up reminding me of my need to grow and showing me where my thoughts are taking me and showing me how to change my "stinkin thinkin".
God I thank God for YOU...lol There is actually comfort for me in this scripture :
John 15:18
If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
I don't want to be hated of course, and I am not cool with the world having hated Jesus...but it had to be done, and I feel a sense of peace in this verse....I am not alone in my pain. Jesus, my savior, He knows how I feel. HE is the only one who has seen every moment of my life...that is how He knows my heart...He knows my heart and how it aches for so many. He knows my intentions, and He is patient...God I need your patience!
He knows how I long to see my sons happy...really happy, not just happy because they got a toy or their favorite show is on. Dylan often tells me " This is the worst day ever!" Now this comment is usually followed by a mini tantrum, an "I hate you" and a storming off to his room, a few short minutes later he is playing with his toys and asking me for a snack or something else. As if it never happened. The second I tell him no, I have gotten. " FINE THEN! I guess you don't want me I guess you don't need me then! I hate this day! This is all cause of Your fault!" I thought this was just something he said to me and Doug...but he also says it to his brother Ty.
Ty has done his best to understand Dylan. Ty battles his own sensitivity. The boys are much a like in their differences...oxymoron enough for you? They may have different opinions and like different things, but their responses are generally the same, they do not notice this in each other of course. They only notice the other one's faults and not their own. Ty is being treated for ADHD which he can still be pretty hyper, but less than before, he has had challenges with social skills and his anger. It hurts to hear him say " The kids at school still say mean things to me and try to get me in trouble." Now don't get me wrong kids pick on each other...this is beyond picking and can get more like bullying. It has gone up and down like a roller coaster. I thank God he can share these things with me, given me not being there for him when he was younger.
So again, I am eager to get to the new house...BUT I cannot let my desire to be at the new house and have it easier, get in the way of what must be done now.
The best way to describe my flesh lately is like this, imagine standing by a bonfire on a cold night, your flesh feels quite happy next to the fire being warmed. Now it suddenly turns to a hot summer night and you feel too warm next to the fire and you begin to complain, then someone pushes you in and you scream out in pain...that is my flesh. Now standing in a bonfire would, without God, cause you to die, but this bonfire is the fire of the Holy Ghost and my spirit loves to be in the fire, but in the natural flesh at times it is burning and painful. But if I step out of the fire I would surely die forever in spirit and body. The best place to be is in the fire...let the flesh scream out in pain and then once the flesh dies to the spirit there will be peace...the flesh will know that the spirit reigns and the spirit will put the flesh in line when it tries to step out of line. The flesh will not always cry out in pain, there may be whining, but not screaming. The flesh...is much like a band-aid...just rip it off and get it over with! Anyone reading this not in the spirit will be completely lost...sorry for that. :D
I am still moving forward and I still believe no matter the circumstance, Dylan will receive his healing and neither he nor I will have to battle this ugly monster any longer.
Before I was saved I battled depression. I believe many people have the wrong idea about depression. Not all depression is manic, not all of it is completely debilitating. For me there were days where I was completely sunk and days when I was on "cloud nine". Then there were moments when I was sunk and moments when I was on "cloud nine" while all the other moments were just normal I guess. I never have days of depression nor long moments of depression any longer, but there are times when everything going on ways heavy on me and I turn inward when I need to be on my knees and seeking Him. When I get this, when I understand He is my answer to any problem I have, it's then that I smile and it is then that I get up and pick up the pieces and put them back together and get going again. He fills me with joy, not things, He fills me with peace....not my circumstances. I only need Him. He is my everything. The only one who will ever truly "get" me and the only one Who I can let my mind empty into. I can tell Him everything going on in me...He already knows and loves me anyway. He knows what I go through and does not judge my thoughts....He gives me gentle guidance with a firm rule!
I so enjoy the end result...I start feeling down and sunk, I think upon my needs and my wants, my don't haves and should haves, the somebody done me wrongs....and there He is lifting me up reminding me of my need to grow and showing me where my thoughts are taking me and showing me how to change my "stinkin thinkin".
God I thank God for YOU...lol There is actually comfort for me in this scripture :
John 15:18
If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
I don't want to be hated of course, and I am not cool with the world having hated Jesus...but it had to be done, and I feel a sense of peace in this verse....I am not alone in my pain. Jesus, my savior, He knows how I feel. HE is the only one who has seen every moment of my life...that is how He knows my heart...He knows my heart and how it aches for so many. He knows my intentions, and He is patient...God I need your patience!
He knows how I long to see my sons happy...really happy, not just happy because they got a toy or their favorite show is on. Dylan often tells me " This is the worst day ever!" Now this comment is usually followed by a mini tantrum, an "I hate you" and a storming off to his room, a few short minutes later he is playing with his toys and asking me for a snack or something else. As if it never happened. The second I tell him no, I have gotten. " FINE THEN! I guess you don't want me I guess you don't need me then! I hate this day! This is all cause of Your fault!" I thought this was just something he said to me and Doug...but he also says it to his brother Ty.
Ty has done his best to understand Dylan. Ty battles his own sensitivity. The boys are much a like in their differences...oxymoron enough for you? They may have different opinions and like different things, but their responses are generally the same, they do not notice this in each other of course. They only notice the other one's faults and not their own. Ty is being treated for ADHD which he can still be pretty hyper, but less than before, he has had challenges with social skills and his anger. It hurts to hear him say " The kids at school still say mean things to me and try to get me in trouble." Now don't get me wrong kids pick on each other...this is beyond picking and can get more like bullying. It has gone up and down like a roller coaster. I thank God he can share these things with me, given me not being there for him when he was younger.
So again, I am eager to get to the new house...BUT I cannot let my desire to be at the new house and have it easier, get in the way of what must be done now.
The best way to describe my flesh lately is like this, imagine standing by a bonfire on a cold night, your flesh feels quite happy next to the fire being warmed. Now it suddenly turns to a hot summer night and you feel too warm next to the fire and you begin to complain, then someone pushes you in and you scream out in pain...that is my flesh. Now standing in a bonfire would, without God, cause you to die, but this bonfire is the fire of the Holy Ghost and my spirit loves to be in the fire, but in the natural flesh at times it is burning and painful. But if I step out of the fire I would surely die forever in spirit and body. The best place to be is in the fire...let the flesh scream out in pain and then once the flesh dies to the spirit there will be peace...the flesh will know that the spirit reigns and the spirit will put the flesh in line when it tries to step out of line. The flesh will not always cry out in pain, there may be whining, but not screaming. The flesh...is much like a band-aid...just rip it off and get it over with! Anyone reading this not in the spirit will be completely lost...sorry for that. :D
I am still moving forward and I still believe no matter the circumstance, Dylan will receive his healing and neither he nor I will have to battle this ugly monster any longer.
Monday, August 15, 2011
The battle is not mine, it's the Lords
2 Chronicles 20:15-17(NLT)
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
24 So when the army of Judah arrived at the lookout point in the wilderness, all they saw were dead bodies lying on the ground as far as they could see. Not a single one of the enemy had escaped.
Don't fight, stand and watch the victory? Sometimes of course we must fight...BUT, as discerning Christians we need to be able to seek the Lord for direction on what battles to fight and what battles to stand and watch.
Stand:
to maintain one's position <stand firm>,
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
24 So when the army of Judah arrived at the lookout point in the wilderness, all they saw were dead bodies lying on the ground as far as they could see. Not a single one of the enemy had escaped.
Don't fight, stand and watch the victory? Sometimes of course we must fight...BUT, as discerning Christians we need to be able to seek the Lord for direction on what battles to fight and what battles to stand and watch.
Stand:
to maintain one's position <stand firm>,
a : to endure or undergo successfully
b : to tolerate without flinching : bear courageously
c : to endure the presence or personality of
2 to remain firm in the face of
3 to submit to
All of these are great and all of these are what I have to do. There are days harder than others and there are moments where I falter, BUT I keep my eyes on the prize and press toward the mark. (Philippians 3:14)
I am happy to report I have had fewer questions like " Something's wrong isn't it, your mad aren't you, tell me, is something wrong?" , asked of me. So it is getting easier to stand firm and smile even though the trials tend to get harder the better I do. But it is not me doing this in my own strength. The great part is God has been working in my life and growing me to this moment...which is surely growing me for yet another moment in my life. With all the preparation He has given me I have learned that when I begin to feel overwhelmed or if I miss it and falter, I know to pray and renew my mind in Him who gives me strength. I am learning when to stand and when to go to battle.
I must say, the flesh has been whining A LOT. It wants to scream out "THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!", so many times. However, I know where that gets all of us. God has also given me peace when the thoughts come in, such as " What if I am the only one who grows during this battle?". Well maybe I am the only one to grow during THIS battle, doesn't mean growth will not occur for others when their hearts are ready to receive. All that I can control is ME. I often want to fight battles for God...for ME. I want to be able to make certain people receive, because it would be good for them and GREAT for me...just doesn't happen that way and my flesh whines.
It is too easy to be like some others, and as I hear people around me my heart has so much compassion for them. I want to shout for joy and praise God, telling them how to stomp on the devil....but not everyone is ready to hear this. We all have seasons in our lives and we are all at different points in our walks with God. To get excited and lay this on the right person at the wrong time could turn ugly. I have to again be renewed in my mind and get in tune with the Spirit so I know when to speak and when to refrain. It is not good to hear, people get upset because we are happy and they are sad and it is hard when they presume their own life must be harder than ours because they are a wreck and we are walking tall. It is a common misunderstanding, when people see our lives on the outside and assume they are a cake walk. I don't know about everyone else but I surely have had more pain than I ever care to mention. What we learn as Christians is not to speak the problem, speak the solution. We do not deny life has trials, we confess we will overcome and be conquerors of all trials that surface.
So Dylan had been doing fairly well, the fits were not as frequent but they were maturing...maturing meaning the snottiness was getting to be the snottiness of an older child and not of a younger child. We are starting a new week, and the sooner we can get into the new house the sooner I can keep the structure I am trying to instill in his life. It is hard to stay on task with adding the baby I watch during the day and having less time in the morning to cook breakfast and lunch before Doug is off to work. I enjoy spending time with my mother and sister, I am just ready to be on my own again. Being 32 and having two children to pack and move from house to house and back to house each day is not easy on any of us. It is also hard to remember to get vitamins taken and to bring all of our toiletries with us. There is an end to this apartment madness and that end is so close I can touch it.
The progress in my own attitude and love walk is going much faster right now than my progress with winning the Aspergers battle, but I believe this is all for good. If I grow more now before the more complete structure is implemented then I will falter less when we are settled in our new home....HOME ahhhh. I am so excited to not smell mold/mildew and various other nasty odors.
Thank you God for peace that surpasses all understanding! Philippians 4:7
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
One thing...get over yourself
I had been reading , "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential" by Joel Osteen. I really liked the book and I was only a few pages in. I wanted Doug to read it too, but he just doesn't read...a lot of people are that way, so I bought the audio in hopes of being on somewhat the "same page" . The audio was on in the car so I have pretty much heard the whole book, but I am still going to read it as well. While the audio is playing in the car, we are talking, Dylan is playing and talking etc. , but no matter what is going on it seems I hear what I need to hear just as there is a pause in the noise. Then my message is followed by me saying "Amen" or "Praise God". Although I know a lot of people who truly do need this message to sink in, I know I need it to sink in just as well.
I used to be a negative person always focusing on the bad that happened to me and never really believing the people who said I could change all of that with my mouth. The principles of God's way for living apply to everyone, Christian or not. You speak positive you see positive and anyone reading this who does not agree is simply speaking positive to be able to say " I tried that and it didn't work." The truth of MOST negative people's lives is that they really are no worse than other peoples lives. I am thankful I have never had the life of someone living in a third world country with no shelter and no clean water, however there are times when I was living below the people in poverty and on welfare. Been homeless with no way to get a shelter many times in my past, but thank God I had people in my life who cared enough to let me stay with them. I have been a real victim of one of the worst kinds of abuse, I've been talked about wrongly, used lied to, lost four pregnancies, had a seizure disorder, been in depression, been addicted to things etc. Since I let God into my life , the bad things did not stop happening to me, immediately I changed. I still had/have my moments but those moments are farther and farther between and usually those moments now don't even make it out of my head and to my mouth.
In my mind I there is a battle waging when that negative thought enters, first thought is "Woe is me." Next thought" No woe is not me, I have it good, I am just facing a moment here....Man this stinks, I hate having to sit through this and allow it to happen to me. Oh, God...please help them see what they are doing to me, I almost feel bad not fighting back because if I let You handle it they are going to learn a lesson the hard way...but then again, me handling it never gets them to learn anything...just think even less of me....okay this one's Yours. Please help me now Lord to let it go and stop sitting here with this sad look on my face."
So what does this have to do with Dylan and my house being in order....oh man, all of this is so deep and complexly simple...lol
My house cannot be in order with a nag as the wife/mother. I hate the word nag and I hate that so many good women are seen as nags when they are really only trying to save themselves from more stress. But there is no "productive nag" only a "destructive nag" and since that is how our families view most of us...that is our "title" we don't HAVE to wear that title, but we will continue to wear the title as long as we allow ourselves to "nag". Once our "nagging" slows or stops we will begin to battle the thief who wants to steal what happiness we have. he will send us depression to fight off, the "woe is me"s . The key to this is to realize the nagging solves nothing and that God IS and always will be IN CONTROL. Our call is to care for our family whether we are stay at home moms or we work outside the home. There will be clothes thrown a muck, glasses and dishes scattered about, wrappers left for us to gather, wet towels on dry places, dishes and dishes and dishes and the list goes on.
The saying goes " Silence is golden" well it truly is...not just to a mom who has an energizer bunny of a child, but also to a wife/mom who keeps her peace when she is feeling like a maid more than a wife and mother. The key is to keep your cool and never let them see you sweat. Don't keep quiet and then go around moping and slamming things here and there. Just get over yourself and take care of what needs to be taken care of. When it really is an issue to us, we can say things like " Son/ Daughter/ Hubby , can you please do me a favor and grab those socks on the floor. I need them in this laundry I am about to do." This question can be changed up for about anything you need them to do, like , " ....can you please gather the garbage from the living room I am about to take the trash out.....can you please gather the glasses for the dishes. "etc The key is to humble yourself and not say YOU YOU YOU and ME ME ME, just ask for what it is you need without assigning fault and without going into a overly descriptive question, like " Son/Daughter/ Hubby, please get me the socks you have thrown all around the house, I am tired of picking up after you. Please bring me your garbage since it should have made it here in the first place and I am NOT your maid!"
So what do we gain by "candy coating" the question? Everything, respect and honor, peace...they SLOWLY begin to do these things on their own without you asking. Sometimes we may still have to get the items ourselves, we may have to add more conversation to get the job done, such as, once your question has been politely asked you get the response, In a minute mom/hun, I am watching this _____ or doing this_____ (insert fun thing). You will want to think "Sure I will wait while you have fun and I act as your slave...no problem" Instead make a choice to wait or to reaffirm what you need them to do. "Okay please bring that as soon as you can." or " I'm sorry I really need it for _____ it will just take a minute please. Thank you so much for helping me." At first many hardened hearts will act cold to you...but for the most part we have to realize why their hearts are hardened...all to often what they perceived as nagging has made them less loving and affectionate to us. Love, affection, respect, honor and peace are well worth the fleshy pain of not "nagging".
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