Monday, August 22, 2011

"Structure...I need structure!"

I am sure this is what Dylan is screaming when he yells at me " You are the worst mom ever" and "I wish you and daddy weren't here!" He wants  "Gentle guidance with a firm rule!"  He has been getting hardly any of this lately and boy has it been showing.  Some sad parts are that I know he needs structure and I know I need order, my heart fills with joy and I get so excited to know what needs to be done, I make a plan and I begin to implement it, then "life" happens.  The problem is not that "life" happens the problem is how I deal with "life" happening! 

Before I was saved I battled depression.  I believe many people have the wrong idea about depression.  Not all depression is manic, not all of it is completely debilitating.  For me there were days where I was completely sunk and days when I was on "cloud nine".  Then there were moments when I was sunk and moments when I was on "cloud nine"  while  all the other moments were just normal I guess.  I never have days of depression nor long moments of depression any longer, but there are times when everything going on ways heavy on me and I turn inward when I need to be on my knees and seeking Him.   When I get this, when I understand He is my answer to any problem I have, it's then that I smile and it is then that I get up and pick up the pieces and put them back together and get going again.  He fills me with joy, not things, He fills me with peace....not my circumstances.  I only need Him.  He is my everything.  The only one who will ever truly "get" me and the only one Who I can let my mind empty into.  I can tell Him everything going on in me...He already knows and loves me anyway.  He knows what I go through and does not judge my thoughts....He gives me gentle guidance with a firm rule!  

I so enjoy the end result...I start feeling down and sunk, I think upon my needs and my wants, my don't haves and should haves, the somebody done me wrongs....and there He is lifting me up reminding me of my need to grow and showing me where my thoughts are taking me and showing me how to change my "stinkin thinkin".
God I thank God for  There is actually comfort for me in this scripture :
John 15:18
If the world
hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.

 I don't want to be hated of course, and I am not cool with the world having hated Jesus...but it had to be done, and I feel a sense of peace in this verse....I am not alone in my pain.  Jesus, my savior, He knows how I feel.  HE is the only one who has seen every moment of my life...that is how He knows my heart...He knows my heart and how it aches for so many.  He knows my intentions, and He is patient...God I need your patience!

  He knows how I long to see my sons happy...really happy, not just happy because they got a toy or their favorite show is on.  Dylan often tells me " This is the worst day ever!"  Now this comment is usually followed by a mini tantrum, an "I hate you" and a storming off to his room, a few short minutes later he is playing with his toys and asking me for a snack or something else.  As if it never happened. The second I tell him no, I have gotten. " FINE THEN!  I guess you don't want me I guess you don't need me then!  I hate this day! This is all cause of Your fault!"  I thought this was just something he said to me and Doug...but he also says it to his brother Ty.  

Ty has done his best to understand Dylan.  Ty battles his own sensitivity.  The boys are much a like in their differences...oxymoron enough for you?  They may have different opinions and like different things, but their responses are generally the same, they do not notice this in each other of course.  They only notice the other one's faults and not their own.  Ty is being treated for ADHD which he can still be pretty hyper, but  less than before, he has had challenges with social skills and his anger.   It hurts to hear him say " The kids at school still say mean things to me and try to get me in trouble."  Now don't get me wrong kids pick on each other...this is beyond picking and can get more like bullying.  It has gone up and down like a roller coaster.  I thank God he can share these things with me, given me not being there for him when he was younger. 

So again, I am eager to get to the new house...BUT I cannot let my desire to be at the new house and have it easier, get in the way of what must be done now.  

The best way to describe my flesh lately is like this, imagine standing by a bonfire  on a cold night, your flesh feels quite happy next to the fire being warmed.  Now it suddenly turns to a hot summer night and you feel too warm next to the fire and you begin to complain, then someone pushes you in and you scream out in pain...that is my flesh.  Now standing in a bonfire would, without God,  cause you to die, but this bonfire is the fire of the Holy Ghost and my spirit loves to be in the fire, but in the natural flesh at times it is burning and painful.   But if I step out of the fire I would surely die forever in spirit and body.  The best place to be is in the fire...let the flesh scream out in pain and then once the flesh dies to the spirit there will be peace...the flesh will know that the spirit reigns and the spirit will put the flesh in line when it tries to step out of line.  The flesh will not always cry out in pain, there may be whining, but not screaming.  The much like a band-aid...just rip it off and get it over with!  Anyone reading this not in the spirit will be completely lost...sorry for that. :D

I am still moving forward and I still believe no matter the circumstance, Dylan will receive his healing and neither he nor I will have to battle this ugly monster any longer.

No comments:

Post a Comment