Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Progress with Dylan seemed to spike today as well...just a great day! He was in the best mood he has been in, in a long time. A few issues but wow...what a relief.
I am still battling the urge to pull my hair out, and part of that comes from the work over load that it seems no one else realizes exists except a few other SAHMs who home school their child(ren) with Aspergers.
I heard a song which was written by a man at church with the inspiration of his daughter and it just fit me perfect, I am excited because he is allowing me to have a copy...this song talks about how no one knows but God...He knows what I face everyday, He knows my heart, He knows when it breaks and all the things I allow Him to have control over. I am so happy for the work He has done and is still doing in me. I have bit my tongue more times than I can count and each time He is right there fighting for me. Life has definitely gotten more peaceful since I let other people run their mouths while mine stays shut ;D I am far for a master of this as of yet....but practice makes perfect and I sure am getting a lot of practice.
I have been deceived and lied to by someone I love, who does this quite often and I am praising God because this time I finally stopped fighting. I finally stopped trying to make them change. I simply stated that their lies and deceit hurt and I didn't feel I deserved that, they expressed their sorrow, of course I forgive them, the point I made was if you were truly sorry you'd stop and given the history and how each time they are "sorry" I do not feel they truly are sorry in the sense that they will not do it again. This lie actually hurt them more than me...but it hurts me that they are hurting themselves and are oblivious to it...if that makes sense...
I have been able to spend a little more time in the Word recently and have started to write again. I have a rough draft below. This post is pretty here and there...but as it has been in the past...as soon as I confess the great things the pooh begins to explode around me... my phone rang twice, Dylan is bouncing off the walls now and Madalyn is crying....well enjoy...
It was a Wednesday night a few weeks back, I was taking care of Madalyn in the church nursery and I left part of the lights off in the room. I looked out the window and saw the pole which holds the power lines and I was reminded of all the times I have been in a room and left the light off, usually someone will enter and say, " I paid the light bill...." then they usually turn on the light and ask me if I can see better.
Well God is our power, He is where we get our strength.
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.”
Remember the Lord your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful, in order to fulfill the covenant he confirmed to your ancestors with an oath.
2 Samuel 22:3
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior, the one who saves me from violence.
God has spoken plainly, and I have heard it many times: Power, O God, belongs to you;
and more and more...God gave us Jesus, Jesus paid our power bill for all eternity...are we going to sit in the dark...or are we going to turn on the light?
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
We want to live in power, in health, in wealth...why aren't we? There are many reasons why we miss the "boat of have and land on the boat of have not"...I cannot tell anyone else the reason why they are living without, but I can tell everyone this... When I have not it is because I have allowed myself to get beat down, never as much as I used to allow it, but none the less I still have been smacked down by circumstances at times.
Imagine hanging from a rope over a treacherous waters, while hanging on for your life you see your family falling past you toward the waters, most of us will try to hold on with one hand and reach out with the other. We grab our loved ones and suddenly we begin to slip down the rope tearing our hands and lowering our family closer and closer to the waters below.
Now let's rewind...we are hanging on a rope with two hands over treacherous waters...one inch away from where our feet are gripping the rope is a HUGE ledge with a stairway leading back to high ground, our family is waiting for us at the top, if we can take the stairs like a champ, they may never even know we were gone, if we cling to the rope they may just walk of the edge looking for us...I am not willing to let my family fall...is anyone else?
We all have circumstances, not all of us share our circumstances. The problem is man made the solution is God given.
Philippians 4:8 New Living Translation
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Our circumstances are not honorable, lovely and admirable...cast thoughts about circumstances to the ground and walk on them. We were given the power to tread on the serpent(devil) and we should be doing just that.
Psalm 91:13 New Living Translation
You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
I am sorry...is God taking up too much of OUR time??? Is learning HIS Word and HIS promises to us taking too long??? Maybe we should just keep on barely making in, sad and depressed having pity parties because we just keep stubbing our toes and nothing is going our way...booo whoooo..... We made this mess... stop placing the blame on everyone else...WE MADE THE MESS!!! It was not the wife, the husband the kids, the parents the neighbors etc...It was US! We either did it ourselves, we allowed it to happen or we just sit in it and cry about who did us wrong. If it is Our mess then clean it up! Suck it up and fix it. HE is standing right next to us with all the tools we need, so happy to help...He has been waiting for us. All we have to do is turn and face Him jump for joy or fall to our knees, either way He is ready to give us the strength we need...we just gotta seek.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The Sayings of King Lemuel1 The sayings of King Lemuel contain this message, which his mother taught him.
A Wife of Noble Character10 [b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life. 13 She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.
16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.
19 Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
21 She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm[c] clothes.
22 She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Before I was saved I battled depression. I believe many people have the wrong idea about depression. Not all depression is manic, not all of it is completely debilitating. For me there were days where I was completely sunk and days when I was on "cloud nine". Then there were moments when I was sunk and moments when I was on "cloud nine" while all the other moments were just normal I guess. I never have days of depression nor long moments of depression any longer, but there are times when everything going on ways heavy on me and I turn inward when I need to be on my knees and seeking Him. When I get this, when I understand He is my answer to any problem I have, it's then that I smile and it is then that I get up and pick up the pieces and put them back together and get going again. He fills me with joy, not things, He fills me with peace....not my circumstances. I only need Him. He is my everything. The only one who will ever truly "get" me and the only one Who I can let my mind empty into. I can tell Him everything going on in me...He already knows and loves me anyway. He knows what I go through and does not judge my thoughts....He gives me gentle guidance with a firm rule!
I so enjoy the end result...I start feeling down and sunk, I think upon my needs and my wants, my don't haves and should haves, the somebody done me wrongs....and there He is lifting me up reminding me of my need to grow and showing me where my thoughts are taking me and showing me how to change my "stinkin thinkin".
God I thank God for YOU...lol There is actually comfort for me in this scripture :
If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
I don't want to be hated of course, and I am not cool with the world having hated Jesus...but it had to be done, and I feel a sense of peace in this verse....I am not alone in my pain. Jesus, my savior, He knows how I feel. HE is the only one who has seen every moment of my life...that is how He knows my heart...He knows my heart and how it aches for so many. He knows my intentions, and He is patient...God I need your patience!
He knows how I long to see my sons happy...really happy, not just happy because they got a toy or their favorite show is on. Dylan often tells me " This is the worst day ever!" Now this comment is usually followed by a mini tantrum, an "I hate you" and a storming off to his room, a few short minutes later he is playing with his toys and asking me for a snack or something else. As if it never happened. The second I tell him no, I have gotten. " FINE THEN! I guess you don't want me I guess you don't need me then! I hate this day! This is all cause of Your fault!" I thought this was just something he said to me and Doug...but he also says it to his brother Ty.
Ty has done his best to understand Dylan. Ty battles his own sensitivity. The boys are much a like in their differences...oxymoron enough for you? They may have different opinions and like different things, but their responses are generally the same, they do not notice this in each other of course. They only notice the other one's faults and not their own. Ty is being treated for ADHD which he can still be pretty hyper, but less than before, he has had challenges with social skills and his anger. It hurts to hear him say " The kids at school still say mean things to me and try to get me in trouble." Now don't get me wrong kids pick on each other...this is beyond picking and can get more like bullying. It has gone up and down like a roller coaster. I thank God he can share these things with me, given me not being there for him when he was younger.
So again, I am eager to get to the new house...BUT I cannot let my desire to be at the new house and have it easier, get in the way of what must be done now.
The best way to describe my flesh lately is like this, imagine standing by a bonfire on a cold night, your flesh feels quite happy next to the fire being warmed. Now it suddenly turns to a hot summer night and you feel too warm next to the fire and you begin to complain, then someone pushes you in and you scream out in pain...that is my flesh. Now standing in a bonfire would, without God, cause you to die, but this bonfire is the fire of the Holy Ghost and my spirit loves to be in the fire, but in the natural flesh at times it is burning and painful. But if I step out of the fire I would surely die forever in spirit and body. The best place to be is in the fire...let the flesh scream out in pain and then once the flesh dies to the spirit there will be peace...the flesh will know that the spirit reigns and the spirit will put the flesh in line when it tries to step out of line. The flesh will not always cry out in pain, there may be whining, but not screaming. The flesh...is much like a band-aid...just rip it off and get it over with! Anyone reading this not in the spirit will be completely lost...sorry for that. :D
I am still moving forward and I still believe no matter the circumstance, Dylan will receive his healing and neither he nor I will have to battle this ugly monster any longer.
Monday, August 15, 2011
15 He said, “Listen, all you people of Judah and Jerusalem! Listen, King Jehoshaphat! This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. 17 But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!”
24 So when the army of Judah arrived at the lookout point in the wilderness, all they saw were dead bodies lying on the ground as far as they could see. Not a single one of the enemy had escaped.
Don't fight, stand and watch the victory? Sometimes of course we must fight...BUT, as discerning Christians we need to be able to seek the Lord for direction on what battles to fight and what battles to stand and watch.
to maintain one's position <stand firm>,
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I had been reading , "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential" by Joel Osteen. I really liked the book and I was only a few pages in. I wanted Doug to read it too, but he just doesn't read...a lot of people are that way, so I bought the audio in hopes of being on somewhat the "same page" . The audio was on in the car so I have pretty much heard the whole book, but I am still going to read it as well. While the audio is playing in the car, we are talking, Dylan is playing and talking etc. , but no matter what is going on it seems I hear what I need to hear just as there is a pause in the noise. Then my message is followed by me saying "Amen" or "Praise God". Although I know a lot of people who truly do need this message to sink in, I know I need it to sink in just as well.
I used to be a negative person always focusing on the bad that happened to me and never really believing the people who said I could change all of that with my mouth. The principles of God's way for living apply to everyone, Christian or not. You speak positive you see positive and anyone reading this who does not agree is simply speaking positive to be able to say " I tried that and it didn't work." The truth of MOST negative people's lives is that they really are no worse than other peoples lives. I am thankful I have never had the life of someone living in a third world country with no shelter and no clean water, however there are times when I was living below the people in poverty and on welfare. Been homeless with no way to get a shelter many times in my past, but thank God I had people in my life who cared enough to let me stay with them. I have been a real victim of one of the worst kinds of abuse, I've been talked about wrongly, used lied to, lost four pregnancies, had a seizure disorder, been in depression, been addicted to things etc. Since I let God into my life , the bad things did not stop happening to me, immediately I changed. I still had/have my moments but those moments are farther and farther between and usually those moments now don't even make it out of my head and to my mouth.
In my mind I there is a battle waging when that negative thought enters, first thought is "Woe is me." Next thought" No woe is not me, I have it good, I am just facing a moment here....Man this stinks, I hate having to sit through this and allow it to happen to me. Oh, God...please help them see what they are doing to me, I almost feel bad not fighting back because if I let You handle it they are going to learn a lesson the hard way...but then again, me handling it never gets them to learn anything...just think even less of me....okay this one's Yours. Please help me now Lord to let it go and stop sitting here with this sad look on my face."
So what does this have to do with Dylan and my house being in order....oh man, all of this is so deep and complexly simple...lol
My house cannot be in order with a nag as the wife/mother. I hate the word nag and I hate that so many good women are seen as nags when they are really only trying to save themselves from more stress. But there is no "productive nag" only a "destructive nag" and since that is how our families view most of us...that is our "title" we don't HAVE to wear that title, but we will continue to wear the title as long as we allow ourselves to "nag". Once our "nagging" slows or stops we will begin to battle the thief who wants to steal what happiness we have. he will send us depression to fight off, the "woe is me"s . The key to this is to realize the nagging solves nothing and that God IS and always will be IN CONTROL. Our call is to care for our family whether we are stay at home moms or we work outside the home. There will be clothes thrown a muck, glasses and dishes scattered about, wrappers left for us to gather, wet towels on dry places, dishes and dishes and dishes and the list goes on.
The saying goes " Silence is golden" well it truly is...not just to a mom who has an energizer bunny of a child, but also to a wife/mom who keeps her peace when she is feeling like a maid more than a wife and mother. The key is to keep your cool and never let them see you sweat. Don't keep quiet and then go around moping and slamming things here and there. Just get over yourself and take care of what needs to be taken care of. When it really is an issue to us, we can say things like " Son/ Daughter/ Hubby , can you please do me a favor and grab those socks on the floor. I need them in this laundry I am about to do." This question can be changed up for about anything you need them to do, like , " ....can you please gather the garbage from the living room I am about to take the trash out.....can you please gather the glasses for the dishes. "etc The key is to humble yourself and not say YOU YOU YOU and ME ME ME, just ask for what it is you need without assigning fault and without going into a overly descriptive question, like " Son/Daughter/ Hubby, please get me the socks you have thrown all around the house, I am tired of picking up after you. Please bring me your garbage since it should have made it here in the first place and I am NOT your maid!"
So what do we gain by "candy coating" the question? Everything, respect and honor, peace...they SLOWLY begin to do these things on their own without you asking. Sometimes we may still have to get the items ourselves, we may have to add more conversation to get the job done, such as, once your question has been politely asked you get the response, In a minute mom/hun, I am watching this _____ or doing this_____ (insert fun thing). You will want to think "Sure I will wait while you have fun and I act as your slave...no problem" Instead make a choice to wait or to reaffirm what you need them to do. "Okay please bring that as soon as you can." or " I'm sorry I really need it for _____ it will just take a minute please. Thank you so much for helping me." At first many hardened hearts will act cold to you...but for the most part we have to realize why their hearts are hardened...all to often what they perceived as nagging has made them less loving and affectionate to us. Love, affection, respect, honor and peace are well worth the fleshy pain of not "nagging".
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
- how to live a simpler life
- how to save better
- how to eat healthier
- how to be a good teacher
- how to do time management when there seems to be NO time
- how to pray in the midst of what seems to be a crisis
- how to pray to avoid crisis
- that tv is not as important as I once thought it was
- cell phones are not as important as I once thought they were
- a schedule is needed even when it is not followed step by step each day
- breakfast is sooo needed
- sleep is over rated and thank God for HIS rest
- I can do more than I ever thought possible
- I can still volunteer even with 4 children, one car and a hubby that needs said car
- thinking about all that is happening to us and struggling with it in my mind and heart is selfish
- and on and on
The list is pretty much never ending. I think some of the greatest things I got from our learning experience is how to encourage when your flesh is screaming DISCOURAGE!!! How to be humble when your flesh is screaming FIGHT BACK!!! God truly does bless you when you encourage and edify what can be encouraged and edified...even if that is only "Hey, thanks for eating your breakfast. It makes mommy very happy in her heart to see you eat well!" Having humility and allowing God to handle all wrongs is so hard but so worth the outcome. When I fight for myself...I never get to stop fighting for myself. As in my past, people are often just that...people they are not God, so they will let us down. No person cares to listen as intently as God listens to me. God knows my heart and He knows the intent I have on all my actions....even down to me sucking in my gut around women who have smaller waists. He tells me often to relax and let Him handle my pain, sometimes He teaches me to get over something, sometimes He moves in the offenders life and teaches them and other times since I pray for wisdom and His will almost daily, He will guide me to have words that speak without any offense( this is not as often as my request to remain silent).
Still the hardest part of all of what we go through and have gone through is the sometimes daily forgiveness that is required from me. I have to forgive what caused Dylan to receive the diagnosis, I have to forgive people who judge us, forgive people who are close to us who still do not understand or think I should medicate Dylan. I wanted to say this before but now is as good of a time as any. I do believe God uses Doctors to heal as well....and if there was a proven healing from modern medicine we would seek it, yet there is not. We do see a Doctor from time to time, such as when Dylan fell on a stick and I was a concerned mother who wanted to be sure he did not have internal bleeding. A diagnosis of Aspergers is not life threatening and even though Dylan has said he " I hate myself, fine I will just kill myself." The medicine for this type of reaction has a side effect of suicidal tendencies... so why not deal with his natural emotions rather than drugged out ones???
Becoming more out spoken and more silent at the same time...odd combo but one which seems to be paying off. I let God guide my words and actions. Daily praying for patience, understanding, strength, wisdom and to get the shoves I need through out the day to stay on track. Of course my prayers are more in depth but this is the general surface of them. All Glory to God for the work that is being completed here!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The meltdown at the church lasted for a while in the car. He claimed he was stupid, I could not convince him otherwise...BUT I got his mind directed off of what bothered him and being "stupid".
Today with his brother here there has been the usual arguments, Bible study went well even when he answered wrong and his brother answered right he was okay....then...he threw a toy at his brother during clean up and I punished him by making him clean his room on his own. The meltdown began and lasted about 20min. He got quiet and got to work. He heard his brother and I talking and asked us what we were talking about, I told him God and he screamed OH...and used the same tone he normally does when he adds on " I guess you hate me then" but this time OH is all I got. I praise God for all the little things and do my best to keep the faith when symptoms hit hard.
Creflo had a good word tonight, it was for finances but applies here as well. I knew this already...but it's great to hear it again...If I am not seeing things manifest...then it's me!
Tomorrow is another day...a better Day!...a Great day!
Monday, August 1, 2011
At times I can sense others looking at me as if to say "gees calm down" , I do need to calm down more, this is something else Dylan and I battle. The world would label me with adult Aspergers, and during my battles with this I have had to constantly shut my mouth and remind myself I DO have the mind of Christ and I CAN do all things through Him and I WILL have the victory. I can I do and I will is something else we covered at church on Sunday and sometimes you do not realize what God has already given you till you hear it being spoken. I have to think often about battles with Dylan like this " Is this current battle one for the Lord or one for me?" By one for the Lord I mean, is this something that will help Dylan in His journey to being a godly man or is it so I can have my way...am I let Christ reign in me or is this my flesh? I have to say more often in the past it has been for me. I want peace and Dylan has been like an energizer bunny at times and it seemed he would never stop talking and being a mommy and a wife with a lot on my plate it had been hard to focus when he would talk almost non stop and when the talking stopped the noises would start. So we made it through the family event and the night with Grandma B was great Dylan was at peace there as well.
Today 8-1 He sat with me and did his Bible study on Gain and Able today, he answers all the questions almost 100% correctly, sometimes he says right answers but not complete answers, he played in his room alone...a feat in itself! Since he was about 4 1/2 he had been afraid of being alone in his room and I began to have him say Psalm 91:11 and Psalm 34:4 over himself and I would agree with him at night time. I would also read the entire Psalm 91 over our family and it was off to bed. At times I would get angry with his fear as it slowed all of us down and made for one heck of a work out when he needed us to go with him up and down the stairs so often. Yet other times I would comfort him and speak the word into his life...the right way to go. I picked out Dylan's clothes and explained I wanted him to put them on, feed his fish and clean his room up from the toys he was not playing with. He came downstairs and began to play on the pc. I asked him if his room was clean and he said he did not know for sure. Praise God I had HIS peace at the time and I just calmly said "okay push away from the pc and come with me." It worked well because it was Christ working through me and not my flesh. I simply took him by the hand...he let me touch him for a whole 5 seconds. We went upstairs and looked at his room together and I began to ask him what each thing on his floor was for and where it went. He then put them where they go and I saw laundry I had to hang up. I hung the laundry and we both went back down together. Lunch came he ate and Daddy left for the day.
Daily we are working toward complete restoration. At times I feel like I just want to speak out and voice my flesh's pain, but it is so easy to stay quiet when I think of all we go through each day...I simply have to ask myself " Is what I have to say worth backsliding?" Of course the answer is no.
On my list of things to get passed ...Moody face. I may have learned to tame my tongue...better...but moody face has still been a problem. Moody face happens when I start listening to my flesh tell me all the ways in which things are not going well, instead of letting my spirit rejoice over all the ways things ARE going well. Today I thank God for the ability to be a stay at home mom and bless others with the time God opens up for me to bless them with. Praise God for my family everyone of them through Christ, teaches me something useful in my growth!
Doug and I had a talk the other day about how he is happy to be him and I am happy to be me. God created us just the way we needed to be. Each of us could learn the other's job but there is no way we would do as good of a job at each other's jobs. I don't want to face big men in my face telling me to give their cars back and at this time I could not handle the weight of all the equipment he has to haul on and off of his truck, and Doug would be crying in a corner if he was left alone with two babies the boys and the house work...we will keep our own jobs and rejoice in all of our blessings.
So... I got the boys breakfast toast and eggs today, Madalyn fed, my son's sister fed, Dylan kicking and firmly saying no all the way into the tub...where he stayed for a while...he hates baths you know? I ironed Dylan's VBS shirt and started laundry, started dishes and we were off to VBS, got back did Bible Study with Doug and then off to groceries. As in the past today was no different, WalMart did not have many of the items we needed on our shopping list. I really do not like going to several stores because one will not keep things in stock. Got the groceries, got back....Doug's gotta eat hot dogs no time to cook we only have 30min before he has to be on the road to work and he has to drop us off pack a weekend lunch and I have to feed Madalyn and my son's sister which was quite the trick since Madalyn is breast fed. I imagine I will be the best left handed baby feeder ever! We are off to for me to watch the boys at the last day of VBS and Doug is off to work.
Get back and we are now eating, doing dishes, getting Madalyn who is over tired from the days events, rocked to sleep. And my son's sister is playing with toys. My ex shows up to pick up my oldest and his sister, I then finished up some chores and it was off to mom's for this weekend's fresh air.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I know the first couple days I forgot I had the lists and as I was running out the door my sister stops and reads the list " WAIT, do you have the ___ ? the ____ how about the ____? okay let's go." I felt like a phoney organizer...I ran right past my list and my sister who did not create the list remembered to check it. But then I knew in my heart I would get it right...unfortunately I needed to make a few more mistakes to learn.
We also simplified our lives as far as bills go as well. We have life, car and renters insurance all on one bill, one credit card with a balance around 120$ just to build credit ,we have prepaid phones since we never use them except to prevent unnecessary trips to visit family who are not home and emergencies...which there are none Thank God! We have a lower speed internet bill, and then the basics lights water gas etc. No car payment, no contract cell phones that charge us more than we use our phone, no extra credit cards..etc. Simple is simply less stressful!
So on with my simple life...right?
I get up at 6:54am after a few night time feedings with Maddie and as it has been in prior days, my oldest son, his step mom and her daughter(my sons half-sister) are standing at the door waiting. I keep saying I am going to get back on track and be there before they knock at the door...but today and prior to today that has not been happening. I get to out Maddie down for a short nap and my sons sister is sleeping too.... I straightened the front room and then read prayer requests emails, posts from Pastors etc and get Dylan dressed. 7:56 I begin getting ready to take the boys to VBS, Doug wakes up. 8:20 boys are at VBS (which for this week VBS is replacing the Bible Study we do with the boys everyday at home) and I am back home to feed Maddie and do the Bible study with Doug. We do three study units and I do dishes and start laundry gather trash to it's central location and dump it then pass to Doug. I feed my son's sister and then it's time for lunch no time for getting groceries like we needed so it is buy one get one pizzas....I HATE spending money on food I can make and just don't have the time to. Today I am not going to sweat it though. Knock at the door, it's maintenance they are replacing our broken stove..." Please move your furniture." Mmmmk, path clear check check. Doug goes for pizza and the stove arrives, I sweep up behind the stove, wash the wall...and here is the apartment's new stove. Warm the stove stick the pizza in it that Doug just brought back, get the girls ready to go to VBS to watch Ty and Dylan sing praises and watch the final teaching of the day. Unloaded at VBS watching the boys have a blast. My mom and sister show up from their busy day to give us a ride back home. Get home serve pizza change my sons sister and sit down to eat.
The chores continue and then my mom and sister arrive back at the apartment to pick us up so we can have some fresh air. See our apartment was rented to us unfit to live in , there was urine on the floors, and mold in and on the walls. The urine smell showed up right after they had the carpets "cleaned" and when we moved a few boxes in we told them about the smell. They assured us they would take care of it and since we had rented from them in another unit for some time we were sure they would fix the issues....they removed the carpets but the smell stayed. The mold they call mildew (still dangerous to our health ) it gets to stay...we should be happy!!! The list goes on not enough space to tell all the terrible details just this...we have been more out of order in our house due to this mess, we had been spending just enough time here to make a mess and then leave again. The next day I go around putting out fires and then I make more and leave....to put them out the next day.
Today our attorney is sending us a draft letter to approve to get us out of this excuse the term...Hell Hole. Essentially that is what it is. Satan has tried so many times to cause an uproar in our family and we refuse to let it happen. All is well with us, we serve the Lord and Abraham's blessings are ours!
Dylan's meltdowns were very minimal today, one because of a brother conflict and one because his brother's sister would not say " Madalyn"...she is 10 months old...try explaining that to Dylan...thank you Grandma, who took that one. The better structure, rules, stern...but not frantic tone of voice and appropriate punishments really help Dylan stay focused and in line.
The day was more productive than usual, however we still did not get to pick up our groceries. So that is for 7-29. Each day I will get more and more in order...moving next month will really help us out in a major way. Right now I have multiple boxes of garage sale items in my dining room and my pictures are not hung due to a move soon...Maddie doesn't have a bed set up yet since her room is the worst as far as urine scent... Ahhh the day we get to say we are HOME (on earth that is) will be a great and exciting day. Thank you Jesus!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
"Then, the woman. No physician had been able to heal her though she had spent all her money in the effort. With one touch, she was completely cured." ~ taken from an online Bible study. God's perfect timing as always. I have read the verse this is based on, Matthew 9:20-22, many times and today it was in Doug's and my newest Bible study. I thought it fitting. I had been exasperated by all the failed attempts and false information on Aspergers...and parenting for that matter, I have read many books and tried many things suggested, only one said it was the cure all the rest said they were ways to make things "better".
Ahhh better, I remember when days were "better" for Dylan and between Dylan and I. He was still a toddler happy and loving, so bright and so full of happiness, smiling all the time. As he grew up he slowly lost his loving side and became a loner...who didn't want to be alone. He began pushing away hugs and kisses and meltdowns began to enter our lives. The meltdowns began to peak at age 4 1/2 to 5 years old. This is when he began to scream uncontrollably and kick, hit, etc. Of course from first onset of anything unusual in his behavior I analyzed our lives and my parenting...."What am I doing wrong? What changes have we made?" The Dr. assured me his behavior was normal and I was just over reacting...of course at the one year check ups Dylan had been an angel all through the appointment. Outsiders hearing my story assured me he was just a boy being a boy and that all boys go through these fits. Perhaps no one was truly listening to me explain the behavior, he bit himself, leather and pillows as a release, he only ate chicken nuggets, hot dogs and cream cheese sandwiches, he screamed out for what seemed to be no reason, he was tired a lot and complained of his legs hurting, he hated loud noises that he himself was not making, he had the attention span of a fly unless we were doing what he wanted to do, he had a hard time staying asleep at night, he wanted to make friends but he wanted them to do everything he wanted them to, kids outcasted him at every social outing, you never knew what moment he would take off on you and possibly run into traffic or hide in a store and the list goes on.
A couple years ago I started eating healthier due to a job I had. My boss was into healthy living and eating only what you need to eat and dessert was a treat not a given. As I began to change my eating, at first not cheerfully, I began to think about Dylan's eating again and I kept trying to get him to eat new things. Sometimes he would like the new things and the next time I gave them to him...he hated them again. At this job I was also introduced to God all over again...or for the first time. The music played was WBGL, a Christian radio station. I was told I could turn it off if I wanted to, but I actually liked it. In time my boss, who is now a friend, helped guide me to give my life to Jesus. My friend also gave me a book about autism to help me with my son. This one claimed to have healed the author's child...I had to give it a shot. Well...epic fail. I continued on my journey searching for Dylan.
I have many dreams and almost daily I have new personal revelations of ways God is showing me to change my life. Learning to listen to God would be a whole new blog in itself, I pray for His words and not mine, I pray for Him to help me be the parent he wants me to be for my son. Most of my prayers were focused solely on Dylan. God showed me one day that although I was praying for my son often and my heart was on his healing...my flesh was not there nor was my house in order.
Order in my house??? Well one thing is for sure, when Doug and I decided to become engaged to be married we knew the road would be at times difficult, we knew there would be challenges, but up until I said yes to his proposal we had not really had to many extreme meltdowns from Dylan. We also knew he and I were what we believed to be a perfect fit, where he lacked I did not, where I lacked he did not. There was no other man in my mind I could ever say I would " love honor and obey" I trusted Doug not to lead me into rough waters and I trusted he would always put our needs above his...and I would do the same in return. We had suffered a loss together and although we darn near split for good we hung on by a thread and wove ourselves back together again. There was a moment before we wed that brought me to my knees and I saw visions of Jesus on the cross and how we must forgive each other, I was reminded of the times I needed forgiveness from Doug and from God. Too often we want to play the victim and we forget times when we had wronged others. After that I thought for sure if we could make it through loss and pain we would have it easy from there on out.
November 15th 2008 we said I do and we were a family. Dylan's biological father had already been out of the picture for a year and a month at this time. Doug was essentially Dylan's father and in fact many people thought Dylan was Doug's son. Almost instantly there were problems between Dylan and Doug. Now Dylan had known Doug since he was three and he could no longer remember any other man in his life, but knew Doug was not his biological dad. Dylan began to act out as I had mentioned above and Doug was put straight into the father role with no time to prepare, we were done diapers and play pins and on everything else. Dylan dearly loves Doug and calls him Daddy because he wants to, yet that did not stop his abusiveness toward Doug. It seemed as though Dylan needed more from Doug, he needed reassurance, a pat on the back now and then, some discipline and a ton of Daddy time. Problem being...when mommy brought the hammer down Dylan was able to run to Daddy and Doug did not want to lose that. A fear of Doug's was making Dylan hate him. Right away the first time Doug had to really punish Dylan on his own, Dylan told Doug he was a mean Dad and eventually he screamed the words I had always received " I HATE YOU". The thing he had feared the most had happened. Job 3:25(NLT) What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. In the mean time my worst fears for Doug and Dylan were happening as well. They had become more like brothers in competition than Father and son. Each wanted my attention and each thought the other was taking too much of my time.
Dylan since the age of 18 months had been my life, he almost died from a high grade fever, I was then told he could have a brain damage then a brain tumor...that scare lasted less than a day but it was enough to change me forever. I began to protect Dylan, protect him from the people in his life that did not understand him and treated him differently. I began to protect Dylan from Doug as well. Doug was not abusive, but I could feel the tension when between he and Dylan anytime Dylan spoke out of turn or had a meltdown. Sometimes I would lash out at Dylan because I was tired of defending him and sometimes I lashed out at Doug because I was tired of being the only one who researched ways to help Dylan with his actions. I was angered often and would yell at Doug to read a book, read one on autism or read the Bible and learn to love Dylan through his trials. I had gotten many Christian books to help Doug with being a new father, I offered him my books as well. Slowly my happy picture seemed to be fading. To make things harder Doug and I had been suffering more losses.
Doug and I had been praying together at night and I have to tell you as I told him...there had been many nights where I felt I REALLY had to humble myself to get down and pray across from him, to be silent as he led...silent on the outside, but on the inside I was boiling over. Before recent days I was working full time and taking care of all things in the home, if the trash was taken out by Doug it was done so because I asked him. Doug would do anything I asked him to...but like most women, I don't want to have to ask him. When we left the house to go anywhere I would forget to take 50+ % of the things we needed to take with us, Doug would have to turn around many times to go and fetch what I forgot. We became the late family. Car rides consisted of Dylan screaming and me nit picking Doug's driving. to which he would ask if I wanted to drive and I would say "yes" or " no but I would like you to". For me it was non stop going going going, breaks??? What were those? I would be up late with Dylan and then having about 2-4 hours sleep I would have to go and watch a pc screen at work and try to stay awake and catch mistakes.
In Doug's eyes it was Dylan and me against him. Why should he help me parent Dylan or do anything around the house? It would all be wrong anyway. And many men don't like to read...it's not that they can't, it is just not interesting to them...most are visual. Doug's wife was really a man in disguise and he could not get her to put the "dress" back on. His son was defiant and he had not raised him from a baby and did not watch the changes take place so to him...this was something that could be helped not a behavior that only God could change. With most of the world with the same view as Doug who should he believe, his wife who babies her son? Or the majority that agree the child is babied?
As I read in the Bible, in books and as I heard our Pastor preach, I began to think maybe just maybe...
Proverbs 14: 1(NLT) A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.
Maybe I was the foolish woman. Too proud to completely admit it yet...I bought more books instead and I read and I borrowed and read...and I was the foolish woman. To Doug we had become Solomon's contentious wife and the foolish son.
A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.
So how do I fix it? How do I stop "defending" myself and my son? How can I let God take control? How do I let Him? What do I do to stop arguments and not be taken advantage of? How can I get and give respect?
Those are the hardest and the easiest questions to answer. I need to let God be my driver. I need to totally trust HIS plan and Him. So what does HIS plan look like? What would He have me do?
Proverbs 3 is an excellent place to start, that and 1 Cor 13. I have been down this road before and can't say I have failed, because I have learned something each time. I can say this journey to being quiet when you want to speak out, totally leaves you broken and humble. At times your flesh feels defeated...that is a good thing, stay in the spirit and don't focus on the way the flesh feels. There is no way to get past what I am going through...not all of it fits in this blog...no way to get past it but by Christ who strengthens me. I believe the times I tried before and fell shorter than a victory are due to my focusing to much on how painful it was in the flesh. I can hear Debbie right now saying " Keep your eyes on the prize, and press toward the mark."
So all eyes on the prize, a house in order and Dylan back in my arms in the literal and metaphorical sense. The next post will be much shorter as it will finally begin following our days beginning to end in the present.
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
And God has called me to be a wife and a mother and I am so grateful for both callings.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
This video of Dylan Give Me Words to Speak gives such a small small small glimpse into what our journey has been like. Daily I really have no idea what we will have to face. Something as simple as a picture on facebook can send him into a massive meltdown, wanting to know why it is there and if I tell him I do not know....that is when the meltdown begins. I am then called a liar and told he hates me, then he may throw something , tell me he wants to kill himself, hit my husband, kick something throw himself down and scream etc.. Seriously just like that.
In this world we feel alone there are not many parents that can relate...although sadly there are more and more each day who start a similar journey. The parents that can relate are too busy, just like we are, to be able to offer a shoulder or have a play date etc. Those who can't relate become great detectives. They believe they have the answers to solve our problems. " You don't spank enough." funny because I don't remember you living with us...hmmm" You spank too much." refer to last comment " It's too much sugar." That's it! Why didn't I think of that??? Drrrr.... "You must not be consistent in your punishment" Wow you know your right again, another genius I should have thought about being consistent " It's just a boy being a boy" What boys are you seeing??? "My son is just like that" Really your son just threw a fit because you told him he could not take a large shipping box into his room to use as a house for his stuffed guinea pig and is now literally bouncing on his back a foot off of the bed flailing around and screaming? Or perhaps he is at the store throwing a fit because you said no to more toys and now he is laying on the floor using his feet to spin his body in circles and screaming OUHHH OUUUUHHHH OOOOUUUH YOU HURT ME!!! Okay then I guess not huh? and my all time fave "You just give him his way too much!" Oh Okay silly me...cause I thought his fits came when I said no and things did not go his way...guess it was because I was giving into him and that is why he threw the fit...Got it now... *eye roll*
Through all of this I have been a saint and I have been anything but a saint and the one thing that never changes is my will for him to "get better". You show me one child that was diagnosed with Aspergers who was healed by spankings, no spankings, consistent punishment, no sugar or even a perfect diet, never getting his way etc. Show me...please show me and I will buy into this. No? Didn't think so.
There is only One that I know who heals and that is where I am place all my chips, my eggs, hopes whatever you want to call it. I am all in...not like I was the last million times I was all in. I pulled out all that I was holding back and it's all in too.
So here begins my journey...my journey to healing Dylan begins with healing us as a family unit. There is very little godly order in this house. I am running all day long at least one step behind. I hear so many well people in life blaming others for their own short comings. Dylan, innocent as can be but still a great example for today, wants to see his brother battle someone on a game, but he was told by me to sit and face the homework he was working on. So he asked me if he could watch and I said he could watch just one but he must stay where he is and turn around. He was so busy being upset with me and having a fit because he was not getting what he wanted that he missed seeing ANY of the battle and guess what? Yep, it was all MY fault, me the one who allowed him to see it cause him to miss it??? Well I am not one for blaming others for my short comings and I am often told I am "too hard" on myself.
Too hard on myself....what that really means is this " I would never hold myself accountable the way you do, and if you feel you are wrong for doing the same thing I am doing, then you must believe I am wrong and ....I can't be wrong, so why don't you slack off back down to my level of living and we can be losers together. :D " ANNNT WRONG!
In my next posts I will discuss how this house is getting back in godly order.
Friday, February 25, 2011
But I know You always have my hand.
I cry out to You please help me tame this beast,
You already have and you give me peace to say the least.
My tongue is a sharpened dagger to be used for good,
Help me to say only the words you would.
My heart cries out for relief,
Drawing nearer to you will stop it's grief.
At times it doesn't seem fair and I don't understand why,
But I know I am blessed and that You hear every cry.
When my hands are weak and my mind is still,
Please help me move them and fill it to do Your will.
When my back is sore and my legs give out,
Help my mouth to praise and shout.
I won't let it keep me down,
I won't let it make me frown.
You brought joy to my life and I won't let it steal,
this pain comes from the enemy and it isn't real.
It is lies and it is deceit,
It is satan and beneath my feet!
So let my feet tread,
On top of all that is dead.
Open my eyes daily to see,
Everything I need has been done for me.
I receive Your work on calvary,
I receive Your work that set me free.
So when my heart cries and I start to moan,
I will see Your face and know I am not alone.
I will seek your will,
and my tongue will still.
I will be a light,
I will not lose sight.
I will not allow anyone to cause me pain,
I have the power You gave me to stop the rain.
Every situation must bow now,
I speak to my mountain , You taught me how.
My problems are no longer mine they are Yours,
I thank You Jesus for opening the doors.
I lay my life at your feet,
Satan feel the heat.
I'm on fire for God and I can't be stopped,
The burdens on my back are long ago dropped.
So to lies and deceit I have nothing to say,
I will always keep my peace, there's no other way.
So let it use my back as a field and let it be plowed and let it show,
A beautiful garden for all I have and will sow.
Let the harvest be plenty and fruit of good taste,
Let me share of my harvest and never waste.